


A Double Oh, A Quartermaster and The Iceman Walk Into a Pub

by lapsang_and_earlgrey



Category: James Bond (Craig movies)
Genre: M/M, No actual Holmes brothers were hurt in the writing of this fic, Pillow Talk, Q deals with it with snark and humour, Q is a Holmes, james has a mini meltdown
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-30
Updated: 2018-07-30
Packaged: 2019-06-18 21:08:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15494736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lapsang_and_earlgrey/pseuds/lapsang_and_earlgrey
Summary: Bond finds out he's been sleeping with a Holmes.





	A Double Oh, A Quartermaster and The Iceman Walk Into a Pub

A ringing phone woke Bond. He sat bolt upright, reaching for his mobile but the noise continued. The figure in the bed next to him reached out a thin, pale arm and the phone disappeared beneath the duvet.

Suddenly the covers flew back and Q sprang from the bed and began pacing. Obviously, whoever was on the other end of the line was irritating but important.

“NO, absolutely NOT, and don’t you dare try and play the brother card” Not M or Tanner then “Your manipulations won't work with me and you know it.” After a brief pause, “For god sake, I already said NO” Q threw the phone on the bed as he ended the call.

“Brother?” Q scowled at Bond “I didn't know you had a brother you don’t talk about him.”

" I don’t talk about my brothers because I can’t stand them,” Q snapped harder than he meant to stomping out his rage with each syllable. “We work in the secret intelligence service and none of us really talk about our pasts. Besides, one of my HALF brothers is a control freak that thinks he is the UK government. The other is a deluded ex-drug addict with undiagnosed bi-polar, who plays at being a detective because he finds everything else boring." Q slumped on the bed, reaching over touching the Bond's arm, "I'm sorry I snapped at you they just drive me nuts Mycroft in particular he’s so Machiavellian." Q pulled at his hair in exasperation making it stick up at odd angles.

Bond stroked Q's back attempting to assuage Q's obvious distress.

"I was lucky, I didn't grow up with them it was just me and mum. I had no idea who my dad was mum never talked about him."

"I was introduced to one of them at the age of twelve when Mycroft kidnapped me on the way home from school. He took me to his club where he had a psychiatrist interrogate me. It was in that bunker, he calls an office too. Mum wasn’t best pleased the argument has heated and I remember Mycroft mentioned something about personality disorders running in the family. I was too young to really understand what any of it meant. I just knew mum was furious.”

“Sherlock, I met when I found myself being stalked by what I thought was a homeless man." Q laughs at the memory, “He thought he was being so subtle about it, idiot” Q remember he was high on a manic upswing not sleeping self medicating with god know what.

He looked down at his phone as if he half expected it to ring again. "We don’t talk unless they want something.”

The realisation hit Bond like a ton of bricks “Your brother is Mycroft Holmes!” Bond spluttered, “Oh, bloody hell” leaning forward and covering his face with his hands, “I’ve been shagging Mycroft Bloody Holmes’ baby brother.” He looked at the precocious young dark-haired man lying next to him “That explains so much”

“Oy! Less of that.” Q poked James in the ribs “Your boyfriend of six months is the Quartermaster of MI6, thank you very much. I am no one's baby brother and I resent the implication. I got where I am on my own merits."

"Anyway, If I am the Holmes’ baby brother, what does that make you the cradle snatcher?”

“No, it possibly makes me a Deadman. So you have two siblings? Any more I should know about?"

Q chewed his lip but said nothing. 

“Q, I don’t need to be a spy to know when you're debating whether or not keep something from me. Out with it.”

Q sighed, “I believe I also have a sister.”

“Believe?”

“It’s all a bit mysterious there were originally four Holmes’ siblings not including me. One died in mysterious circumstances, the other disappeared. I checked, there’s no record of her death, there are no records of her life after childhood either.”

And that’s how James Bond came to the realisation he was not only dating his Quartermaster but also the Iceman’s brother.

“Anyway” Q remarked casually as he rolled over “I’m not entirely convinced Mycroft and I are actually blood-related.”

“What do you mean?”

“He’s a bastard.”

“Well, everyone who ever met him knows that” Bond retorted.

Q turned back over and gawped at Bond for a moment, waiting for the penny to drop rolling his eyes as he said, “No, I mean in the Prince Harry sense.”

Bond’s eyes grew as large as Dinner plate before a big booming laugh erupted from his lips.

“Don’t tell him that though.” Q chuckled pleased to see James’ genuine unrestrained mirth. “I’m not entirely convinced he actually knows. Oddly, though he claims to be so observant, but he hasn’t observed that he doesn’t really look like anyone else in the family. For one thing, he's so much taller and for another everyone else has a thick head of hair." Q shrugged "All geniuses have blind spots, I suppose that is his.”


End file.
